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Francine Caitlyn Chye
a.k.a. Hurricaine Fran
a.k.a. Fran the PCD
a.k.a. the happy bunny :D
<3
040889 (August baby!)
Crescent, ACJC, hocker
xoxo
If it's meant to be, it'll be(:
"And sometimes good things fall apart
so better things can fall together"
don't think, just run
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Bad day - Something Corporate
I just want to escape from everything right now. I just want to run away, to kick and scream and cry and just get away from it all. Nothing in particular that's causing such a dramatic change in my mood, guess it's just one of those emo memo nights when nothing seems to go right and everything sort of crashes and falls and self-destructs in front of my very eyes.
I think i'm worried about the trials tmr. I just want all this insecurity to leave me and let me just have fun, i hate feeling like i'm being judged and feeling that there are expectations of my play because i hate it so, so much. After coming to AC all that's been washed away and now with this it's come back and i really, really hate it. I don't wanna go tmr, but as everyone (me included) thinks, there's no way i should miss it.
I think i really don't want Mikey to leave again. I don't know how to write without sounding love sick (haha) but ugh I really really miss our Andalite days and kinda always having a set group or person to fall back on when i just needed to chill and hang out. It was nice to have someone who understood and who i could be completely me with and i miss it so much and i don't wanna have to give it up again. Even if it's just for a while.
I think i feel history on repetition and someone's heart is gonna break and i wish i could have stopped it again, and again, and again. And i wish feelings could be altered as with attraction and confidence and everything in between, but they can't. I wish they could so i could be a better person and bring smiles rather than the opposite. I wish i wasn't affected by anything. I wish i didn't need, i wish i never got to experience the amazing rush of emotions as i did back, back back, because that way there'd be no basis for comparison. I wish i could have just stuck to my gut feeling and stayed away.
The renovations in the 3 bathrooms in my house are mad and I wish there wasn't so much to do. I know that we should be helping to pack stuff and stuff but if she doesn't tell us what to do, she can't expect us to be around 24/7 ready to help. I wish she'd stop subconsciously comparing her life growing up in nz with the bloody hectic lifestyle we're subjected to in Singapore cos it's just so different. I hate that she expects so damn much from me when all i wanna do when i get home is chill. I hate that she scrutinises everything and is so up on the whole fairness thing between my sisters and I. I wish i didn't feel like her slave and that i got a little appreciation for what i do to help and not only disdain for things in absense. But the worst part is, i know there's good rationale for everything expected and i love her for knowing that we're capable of helping out and that this leads to character building and i know that's what i'd expect from my children in the future. I guess i'm just in one of my moods where any more nagging will just put me over the top and send me over the edge.
It's funny how nothing earth shattering has happened at all, yet how crazily close i got to stepping off the curb. I just want to let go, i just want to escape. I don't wanna deal with anything. I kinda wish there was someone to take me away from it all.
Lord, be here with me as i hurt and need. I'm feeling this emptiness again and i just want it to go away. Lord help me to trust in Your love so i'll be able to fall back in peace, knowing that no matter where and when, i have You as my support. I know my faith hasn't been the strongest recently, i know i've been trying to take things into my own hands and i'm sorry. But it's so hard at times, i feel like i've been blinded by expectations and the material world and temporary highs, feelings that initially get you smiling only to bring you deeper and deeper into the resultant feeling of utter emptiness. I know there's no one who can fill it like You can, so while i reach out desperately grasping, draw me near to Your side once again. Because Lord, i need You more than ever. Please, I don't want to cry again tonight. Amen.
-i believe in escapism.
ex-oh, ex-oh
2:17 AM
